How do you know if your a red neck?
You go to the family reunon to find a date!

Yo mamma so stupid, she tried to commit suicide by jumping out her basement window.

Yo mamma so fat, every time she turns around its her b-day!!!

Sam: Would you punish me for some thing i didn't do?
Teacher: no, of course not.
Sam: good, because i didn't do my homework.

What is green and smells?
Hulk's fart.

Why did the elephant bring toilet paper to a party?
Becase he was a party pooper.

You so short you have to look up to look down.

Yo mamma is so fat:
She eats Wheat Thicks.
We're in her right now.
She was floating in the ocean and Spain claimed her for a new world.
She lay on the beach and people ran around saying, "FREE WILLY."

Yo mamma so ugly when she was born, your mother said, "What a treasure!" and your father said, "Yea lets go bury it".

Yo mamma so ugly, she got arrested for mooning when she looked out a window.

How do you make a blonde's eyes sparkle?
Shine a torch into her ear...

How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?
His lips are moving.

Why won't sharks attack lawyers?
Professional courtesy.

What do you have when a lawyer is buried up to his neck in sand?
Not enough sand.

Do you know how to save a drowning lawyer?
Take your foot off his head.

Do you know how to save a drowning lawyer?
No? Good!

What's the difference between a lawyer and a bucket of shit?
The bucket.

What's the difference between a lawyer and a vampire?
A vampire only sucks blood at night.

Yo mama's so fat she had her ears pierced by harpoon.

Yo mama's so fat she needs a watch on both arms because she covers two time zones.

Yo mama's so fat she needs a hula hoop to keep up her socks.

Yo mama's so fat when she goes to a restaurant she doesn't get a menu, she gets an estimate.

Yo mama's so fat, she sets off car alarms when she runs.

Yo mama's so fat, when she fell in love she broke it.

How many politicians does it take to change a lightbulb ?
Two. One to change it, and another one to change it back again.

How many Conservative economists does it take to change a lightbulb ?
None. The invisible hand does it.

How many economists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None. If the light bulb really needed changing, market forces would have already caused it to happen.

Have you ever noticed... anybody going slower than you is an idiot. And anyone going faster is a maniac.

You have to stay in shape. My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where the hell she is.

I think men who have pierced ears are better prepared for marriage. They have experience pain and bought jewelry.

I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain. No pain.

I have a great diet. You are allowed to eat anything you want. But you must eat it with naked fat people. 

I went into MacDonalds yesterday and said "I'd like some fries".
The girl at the counter said "Would you like some fries with that".

Why don't oysters give to charity?
Because they're shellfish.

What can you do in radiation-contaminated rivers?
Nuclear fission.

Why did the jazz musician like the wooden board?
Because it had a nice groove in it!

How can you tell if a redneck is married?
There is tobacco spit stains on BOTH sides of his pickup truck.

What do you call a sheep with no legs?
A cloud.

Doctor! I have a serious problem, I can never remember what i just said.
When did you first notice this problem?
What problem? 

What is defference between man and Superman?
Man wears underwear under the trouser and superman wears it over the trouser

I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.

Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If he/she isn't there the first time you need him, chances are you won't be needing him again.

Men are like fine wine: They all start out as grapes, and it is your job to stomp on them and keep them in the dark until they mature into something you'd want to have with dinner.

Men are like computers: Hard to figure out and never have enough memory.

Men are like coolers: Load them with beer, and you can take them anywhere.

Men are like coffee: The best ones are rich, warm, and keep you up all night long.

Men are like horoscopes: They always tell you what to do, and they are always wrong.

Men are like plungers: They spend most of their time in the hardware store or the bathroom.

Men are like parking spots: The good ones are taken, and the rest are handicapped.

Why is psychoanalysis quicker for men than for women?
When it's time to go back to childhood, he's already there.

Why are men like commercials?
You can't believe a word they say.

Why are men like blenders?
You need one, but you're not quite sure why.

How is a man like the weather?
Nothing can be done to change either one of them.

How many men does it take to open a can of beer?
None, it should be open when she brings it to him.

Why are guys like lava lamps?
They're fun to watch, but not very bright!

What have you done wrong if your wife walks into the living room and slaps you.
You have left the chain to long.

If your dog was barking at the back door and your wife was knocking on the front door, who would you let in first?
The dog, because at least he would shut up once he was in.

Why do women have smaller feet than men?
So they can stand closer to the stove.

I am desperately trying to figure out why Kamikaze pilots wore helmets.

If it weren't for electricity we would all be watching television by candlelight.

Don't spend 2 dollars to have a shirt dry cleaned. Donate it to the Salvation Army. They'll clean it and put it on a hangar. Next morning you can buy it back for 75 cents.

Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same.

I am not a vegetarian because I love animals. I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.

Now suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress... But I repeat myself.

How many politicians does it take to change a lightbulb?
Four, one to change it and the other three to deny it.

How many social scientists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
They do not change light bulbs; they search for the root cause as to why the last one went out.

How many socialists does it take to change a light bulb?
One to petition the Ministry of Light for a bulb, fifty to establish the state production quota, two hundred militia to force the factory unions to allow production of the bulb, and one to surreptitiously dial an '800' number to order an American light bulb.

How many Marxists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None, the seeds of revolution and change are within the lightbulb itself.

Yo mama's so stupid she can't pass a blood test.

Yo mama's so stupid, she put lipstick on her forehead, because she wanted to make up her mind.

Yo mama's so dumb, she took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept.

Yo mama's so dumb she brought a spoon to the Super-Bowl.

Yo mama so ugly they push her face into dough to make gorilla cookies.

Yo mama so ugly they didn't give her a costume when she tried out for Star Wars.

Yo mama so ugly when she walks into a bank, they turn off the surveillence cameras.

Yo mama so old she has Jesus' beeper number!

Yo mama so old that when she was in school there was no history class.

What do you call a dog with no legs?
Doesn't matter... he won't come to you anyway!

What do you call a guy at your front door with no legs or arms?
Matt!

I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow, isn't looking good either.

Two cows are standing in a field.
One says to the other "Are you worried about Mad Cow Disease?"
The other one says "No, It doesn't worry me, I'm a horse!"

Teacher: Tell me a sentence that starts with an "I".
Student:I is the....
Teacher: Stop! Never put 'is' after an "I". Always put 'am' after an "I".
Student:OK. I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.

A man receives a phone call from his doctor.
The doctor says, "I have some good news and some bad news."
The man says, "OK, give me the good news first."
The doctor says,"The good news is, you have 24 hours to live."
The man replies, "Oh no! If that's the good news, then what's the bad news?"
The doctor says, "The bad news is, I forgot to call you yesterday."

A: Do you want to hear a dirty joke?
B: Ok
A: A white horse fell in the mud.

 If big elephants have big trunks, do small elephants have suitcases?

On a crowded bus, one man noticed that another man had his eyes closed.
"What's the matter? Are you sick?" he asked.
"No, I'm okay. It's just that I hate to see old ladies standing."

Teacher: What are some products of the West Indies?
Student: I don't know.
Teacher: Of course, you do. Where do you get sugar from?
Student: We borrow it from our neighbor.

Teacher: Did you father help your with your homework?
Student: No, he did it all by himself.

A: Just look at that young person with the short hair and blue jeans. Is it a boy or a girl?
B: It's a girl. She's my daughter.
A: Oh, I'm sorry, sir. I didn't know that you were her father.
B: I'm not. I'm her mother.

A snail walks into a bar and the barman tells him there's a strict policy about having snails in the bar and so kicks him out. A year later the same snail re-enters the bar and asks the barman "What did you do that for?"

Man:I could go to the end of the world for you.
Woman: Yes, but would you stay there?
Man: I offer you myself.
Woman: I am sorry I never accept cheap gifts.
Man:I want to share everything with you.
Woman: Let's start from your bank account.

Son: Dad, what is an idiot?
Dad:An idiot is a person who tries to explain his ideas in such a strange and long way that another person who is listening to him can't understand him. Do you understand me?
Son: No.

Two goldfish in a bowl talking:
Goldfish 1: Do you believe in God?
Goldfish 2: Of course, I do! Who do you think changes the water?

A: Hey, man! Please call me a taxi.
B: Yes, sir. You are a taxi.

Teacher: "Nick, what is the past participle of the verb to ring?"
Nick: "What do you think it is, Sir?"
Teacher: "I don't think, I KNOW!"
Nick: "I don't think I know either, Sir!"